[ad_1]
Instructor’s Comments
I see some good revision here! For some reason I cannot comment directly on your draft this time, so I will put comments below:
One of the challenges of your essay was to better integrate your research into your thesis. You’ve improved here well.
The introduction is closer but still quite brief. How might you draw your reader in with the final draft? (The first paragraph of page two includes information that could help draw your audience in, for example.)
In your second paragraph, you have a lot of uncited information. This would be considered plagiarism in your final draft–please contact me if you do not understand.
You’ve added transition in the third paragraph–how does the history and your brother’s involvement “combine”? However, you also integrate the research well here, and it supports your point–good job!
Your works cited is right on track. Good revision–be proud!
[ad_2]
Testimonials
